01 Jul

Posted at 18:53h in Faith, Family, Mental health
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Some weeks I have a phrase that hovers around me no matter what I am doing. This has been one of those weeks. And the words have been: On Tuesday they got 'magnetic letters' status. Relinquish: to lay down or surrender. To give up ownership and authority over. To release from your grip. To loosen your hold and let go. This week I have had to relinquish control of a number of things: My diary. At the start of the week I had so many things I wanted to get done. So many people I wanted to see. But I hadn't factored Matt or the kids into my plans...

27 Jun

Posted at 19:05h in Mental health
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  As Maria sang in the film The Sound of Music, 'Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start'. In fact, it is the only place to start. The only way to start. With the first step. I am the kind of person who has a new creative idea every hour, it often feels like I catch it on the breeze. It is rarely a logical thought-process looking to solve a given problem. It is a moment of whimsy, a random string of connections, like lights on the runway leading me in the direction of creative flight. I cannot see it all, but a glimpse of...

24 Jun

Posted at 22:39h in Mental health
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As I drove back from dropping the kids at school today this poem floated down to meet me. I feel confused about the decision our country has made today, and it is difficult not to feel hopeless.  When things seem to change so rapidly it is hard not to feel out of control. But some things are still the same. The air I breathe, the ground beneath my feet, and the scent of the roses in my garden. We forget our days are so brief, and the earth so old, so knowing. Who can think they own the earth? That the leaves on the...

21 Jun

Posted at 14:31h in Beauty, Mental health
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This writing lark is relatively new to me. For the past fifteen years, for better or worse, between pregnancies and breast-feeding, I have been trying to form a career as a theatre director. Scrabbling around, looking for scraps of work. Work that would fit in with my childcare, work that would develop my skills, work I loved and work I took because it seemed like the right thing to do. This was my passion. These were my people. This was the path I trod. I stuck doggedly to it. Then a couple of years back, after a season of great emotional turbulence,...

27 May

Posted at 16:39h in Family, Mental health
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Edward, my seven year old, told me this morning he didn't want to go to school. I pointed out that today is Friday, his favourite day of the week, the day of the week with most school time dedicated to fun and play. To this he responded, 'well, I only want to go if it can be golden time and star of the week straight away.' I know how he feels. Can't we skip straight to the good bit? In The Rock that is Higher: Story as Truth, Madeleine L'Engle writes a somewhat surprising statement; "...

18 May

Posted at 19:13h in Living well, Mental health
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The second conversation I have recorded this week for Mental Health Awareness Week is with my husband. Matt and I met when I was 16. We started dating when I was 18 and got married when I was 20. This July we will have been married for 16 years. Being married is challenging. Being connected to another person in this deep, meaningful and mysterious way can be the most brilliant, supportive thing in the world. But when your partner is ill and you are the one who has to care for them, it can be tricky. We say 'in sickness and health'...

17 May

Posted at 19:16h in Living well, Mental health
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This week is Mental Health Awareness week, and the theme this year is relationships. So, I've been thinking about the people around me, those who have supported me and been there for me over the past few turbulent years. I have decided rather than writing for them and about them, I would let them speak for themselves. I have taken my trusty iPhone and recorded conversations with a select few. Firstly, my friend Sri. Sri and I met at sixth form. We were studying the same subjects. Our friendship was cemented through numerous conversations over tea and toast and many nights out. We...

10 May

Posted at 19:08h in Faith, Mental health
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Before anything else. Before you can get any help, or start working your way through a tricky situation or painful experience, you have to acknowledge it exists. The universe I inhabited before my thirties was a place where it was not the done thing to express discontent. We were loved by God and had everything we needed. We were not homeless, or learning to live with a critical illness. We were not cold or hungry. We did not have to walk miles every day to collect water. We were not alone and abandoned. Anything that did go wrong, or didn't turn out how we...

06 May

Posted at 18:31h in Mental health, On taking anti-depressants
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This is the fifth and final instalment in a series about my decision to begin taking anti-depressants again, you can read from the beginning of the series here. 22nd February I am four weeks in. And I won't lie, it has not been straight forward. I wanted a magic pill, a tablet that would return me to the confident easy-going, keen to make plans, person I think I once was. But I can't go back, only forwards. And really, I am glad of this. The unknown future is scary, but it is also full of possibilities. Four weeks in, I have more peace. I no...