11 Mar

Posted at 17:40h in Mental health
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Yesterday evening I was making tea when I noticed the light had changed. Out of my window I could see the house on the opposite side of the road, and reflected on it's brick-work an orange glow. The quality of the reflected brilliance was so particular, so extraordinary, that I mentioned it to Maddy, my 9 year old, commenting on the sunset we couldn't quite see. At the same time (because I am nothing if not a multi-tasker) I was also in the midst of a text conversation with my friend Esther about, among other things, the brilliant play we had seen...

24 Feb

Posted at 19:13h in Living well, Mental health
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A while back, I heard Elizabeth Gilbert and Brene Brown in conversation (online obviously, from the warmth of my kitchen, through my laptop). Elizabeth Gilbert said something that really jumped out at me. She talked about the narcissism of depression. I rarely think of depression as narcissistic. Elizabeth Gilbert went on to say depression is narcissistic because sufferers think they are special. (Stay with me) They think they are so special that they do not need compassion. So special that they do not need to offer themselves self-care. So special that they do not need looking after. One of the reasons I got into the...

25 Jan

Posted at 19:00h in Living well, Mental health
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I've decided that I am going to lower the bar. I'm lowering my expectations. Sounds bad doesn't it? Sounds like the words of someone who is depressed. Like the words of someone with low self-esteem and low self-regard. Like the words of someone who cannot believe for the best, who doesn't hope for the future. I'm not planing for the impossible. And I'm not shooting for the stars. I know, now you're really worried aren't you? But I'm lowering the bar. I'm doing it. Instead of expecting I can get through the exhausting to-do list, I'm taking things off it before I begin. I'm making the tasks easier. I'm...

29 Nov

Posted at 19:30h in Faith, Mental health
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On the way home from church today we found trees blown down across the road. Huge branches blocking our path, dangerous obstacles getting in our way, preventing us from continuing our journey. One kid is ill and the wind howls outside. And all the leaves that had hung on until now, swirl in the air. It is the first Sunday of Advent and the hope that is to come feels like a fairy tale. My stomach churns and I feel empty. The words I speak evaporate into the air, swallowed by uncertainty that lies just one breath away. Today, I need truth. I need someone...

04 Nov

Posted at 18:39h in Living well, Mental health
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I am not good at quiet. And I have had a tough time making friends with silence. I am an extrovert. Okay, an extrovert who has suffered with depression, but an extrovert nonetheless. I like to be with people. I like to throw parties. I want to go to the pub and the theatre and round to your house for tea. I like to feel part of a community and be connected to the people who matter most to me, all the time. And, although this is the way I am wired, a part of who I am, if I am not...

22 May

Posted at 21:00h in Mental health
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Today has not been my finest. There have been tears, some shouting, and some fairly poor parenting. Having survived the day, and just got the youngest to bed, I thought i would write a post… Its been a while. And I have been meaning to post about this subject for a long while. Panic attacks. Cos that is bound to cheer me up, right? (This post is the 15th in a series I started writing last Autumn, specifically about mental health. If you want to read the series from the beginning it starts here. )   My most impressive, and by impressive I mean terrifying, panic attack...

22 Dec

Posted at 19:00h in Mental health
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Last week I forgot I wasn't super-woman. And I thought I could fill my life to over-flowing with to-do lists and events and occasions and parties without feeling the lack of sleep or head-space. The community drinks, the party I hosted for 70, the day trip to London christmas shopping, the gig in St Asaph cathedral in North Wales. The presents to buy, the christmas cards to write (okay so that never actually happened), the pantos and Christmas concerts. Gifts for teachers', nativity costumes, end of term party food and managing the small peoples' emotions and expectations with all the events of the...

13 Dec

Posted at 12:41h in Mental health
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In 2009, around the time I was crashing out, I read a book which had a profound impact on me. It's called "The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life". Sounds awful doesn't it. When Matt first recommended it I rolled my eyes at him - (An aside: I married a man who's idea of a great night out is to write a 5 year plan for our lives (no joke). For many of the years dominated by small people he would often attempt to ask me strategic questions: What were my priorities? What did i want from the next 6 months/ 3...

21 Nov

Posted at 11:21h in Mental health
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To prepare for writing this post I have lit a fire, made a large mug of tea and two pieces of fruit toast. For courage. ----------- Growing up I was taught "the truth". Jesus, the gospel, the whole bit. I believed it. I wanted to live in a way that would make God (and my parents) happy. I strove to do 'the right thing'. I was good. I was taught some strong principles about right and wrong, and, on the whole, I obeyed them. I knew the answer, and the answer was Jesus. I did my best to do all the things I had been taught were (and...

06 Nov

Posted at 19:58h in Mental health
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We (me and him) have just finished watching the box set of The Newsroom, the latest series from creator of the West Wing, Aaron Sorkin (pretty cheesy, but ok). The first episode is called "We just decided to." I feel a bit like that about my life. It had to change, it wasnt working. We had to change it, so we did...