30 Jan

Posted at 10:43h in Mental health
9 Likes

Hi, I think it might be time to take stock. To think about the things that are tricky. The things you want to ignore and brush under the carpet. I say this because, as you well know, acknowledgement is the first step. You have to see it before you can do anything about it. And the truth is: You are not okay right now, and that is okay. Honestly, it is. You feel low. And that's okay. You don't have to be great all the time. You are allowed to have a bad week, or month. It doesnt necessarily mean another crash is on the way. (In fact this...

09 Jan

Posted at 11:35h in Mental health
0 Likes

To start, some truth: January can be hard. And if you are finding it hard, that does not make you weak. Because it can be hard. I feel this is worth repeating, let me make sure you know before you read any further: it is okay to be finding it hard. You are okay. So, Christmas is over, the decorations have been taken down and any post-holidays fog of wine and chocolate has lifted and been replaced by the stark reality that we are in a new year. 2018 is here. Everywhere there are adverts inviting me to become a 'new me' in this new year....

28 Nov

Posted at 16:53h in Family, Mental health
0 Likes

I love Christmas. I love a reason to celebrate, to eat good food and make a fuss. I love the full sensory experience, the smells and the decorations, lighting the candles and listening to the music. I am no scrooge. However, over the years Christmas has become a  bit much. I have made it a bit much. I am an all or nothing kind of person. I am not very good at self-control and moderation, and Christmas has always been a time to revel in this side of my personality. I want to do ALL of it. I want to have special meals with all my different groups of...

07 Nov

Posted at 16:52h in Mental health
0 Likes

In the Summer my 11 year old daughter went to a drama club. This club was being run by one of the original cast members of Matilda (the musical) and another actor who I knew from my time working as a theatre director. As I dropped child number 2 off for her day of fun, I got chatting with my actor friend. Our conversation ambled along predictable lines while I propelled my son back to the car. Soon enough he asked me if I was still working in the theatre. I told him no, that just over a year ago I...

31 Oct

Posted at 17:06h in Mental health
0 Likes

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A few weeks ago I wrote a letter to my strong, exhausted friend. (You can read it here.) At so many points in my life I have been the person who needed to read that letter, and often still am. But I am re-learning how to live and a large part of this has involved re-discovering how to rest. I know rest is important, and yet I don't make it a priority. It gets squeezed out. I find myself exhausted, falling into bed either to sleep fitfully or to lie awake aware of all I still need to do but haven't managed to...

26 Oct

Posted at 11:38h in Mental health
1 Like

Do you feel you are constantly on the hook? It's a strange phrase - think - the opposite of 'off the hook'. Being caught on the hook makes you feel culpable, or guilty, as though you can never relax or let go. In recent years letting myself off the hook has been an idea I have become very attached to. I like the idea that I am freeing myself from...

17 Oct

Posted at 17:25h in Mental health
5 Likes

Hi, my name is Elli and I'm a people pleaser. A recovering people pleaser. I want to make other people happy. Which always seemed like a good goal to have. But this well-intentioned aim got me into hot water. Back then. About ten years ago life was tiring. My girls were tiny and I was pregnant with my son. I had lots of friends and a brilliant husband who was very busy with work. I ran a small group in church which was made up of lots of fantastic women who were also in the same life stage as me. We were all tired all the time. We were always making...

19 Sep

Posted at 10:49h in Mental health
0 Likes

When the alarm went off this morning I was already weary. I am at the worst point of my period and I feel distracted and exhausted. My body is suffering, I have not slept well, and my belly aches. My mind is unable to settle, jumping from one thing to another. I am feeling low; a combination of hormones, lack of adult conversation and the rain that has fallen steadily all week, My first response is to attend to the long list of jobs that lies ahead of me today. I have writing projects that need attention, laundry to do, and meals to...

11 Sep

Posted at 17:44h in Mental health
0 Likes

Eight years ago I entered the cafe and waved to the woman I had arranged to meet. She was barely more than an acquaintance but I knew she had some experience of counselling people dealing with grief. I was hopeful she would be able to give me some wisdom about how to help my friend who was suffering. I grabbed my coffee and pushed aside the feeling of frustration that this was how I was going to be using my short amount of kid-free time. It had seemed like the right thing to do last week when I had made the arrangement. The...

30 May

Posted at 19:52h in Faith
0 Likes

I recently wrote a post about freedom. This post was a starting point for re-articulating my faith. If you haven't read it you might want to check it out before reading this. The ideas contained in these posts are fresh, and like wet paint have the potential to make a mess. I am stumbling towards truth, inarticulately. I am starting to write about some new truths. Some things my younger self would probably call heresy. There is nothing safe or tidy about this. --- I am good. I spent many years believing the core of me was bad. This idea sounded plausible and reasonable because, like every other sane person on the planet,...