21 Nov

Posted at 12:45h in Mental health
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Last month my friend Sri and I had a four day break in Lisbon. We are old friends (we met in sixth form) and have not holidayed together since we were 19 (a fabulous two week adventure in Italy, as you asked). This break had been a long time coming. On the first night we were there I had a panic attack. A fairly impressive one. Normally when I have a panic attack I hide, or flee the scene sharpish. And, until last month the only person who has sat with me during a panic attack is my husband. I am not unusual. I...

07 Nov

Posted at 16:52h in Mental health
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In the Summer my 11 year old daughter went to a drama club. This club was being run by one of the original cast members of Matilda (the musical) and another actor who I knew from my time working as a theatre director. As I dropped child number 2 off for her day of fun, I got chatting with my actor friend. Our conversation ambled along predictable lines while I propelled my son back to the car. Soon enough he asked me if I was still working in the theatre. I told him no, that just over a year ago I...

29 Aug

Posted at 14:52h in Mental health
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A list for anyone overwhelmed and stressed. A list for those of us who worry too much about what we cannot control. A list for the over-thinkers and the do-gooders. (A list for me). 1. Don't play it safe. Wear the bright red lippy, the yellow dress, the dungarees you think make you look like an overgrown toddler. Clothes are for fun. 2. Don't compare. You are beautiful and your life is good. Count blessings, dance in the kitchen. Silence the voice of comparison, it will make your life smaller. 3. Don't hide. Let somebody in. The mask will become harder to remove the longer your wear it. Allow...

08 Aug

Posted at 17:55h in Mental health
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Yesterday as I was chopping a pepper for tea, I cut my finger. A small but deep incision in the tip of the third finger on my left hand. I put a plaster over it but it wouldn't stop bleeding. I tried to continue with the food prep but was soon stopped by the throbbing and the blood seeping out either side of the bandage. Thankfully I had someone who could take over, and a friend nearby with the know-how to re-bandage my cut. Beth took off my hastily applied band-aid and searched through the three half-empty first-aid kits in the drawer. She took...

14 Jun

Posted at 18:59h in Family, Mental health
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We have been in Anglesey for about 8 weeks now. It has been fantastic. As I write this I am outside sat at the table under the parasol. If I look up I can see the mountains of Snowdonia in the distance and the patchwork of fields, with the occasional house or farm dotted in between. The swallows that have nested in the outhouse where we keep the broken garden furniture and an impressive collection of cobwebs swoop in and out, dancing above me. All I can hear is birdsong, my fingers tapping on the the keys and a distant radio...

06 Jun

Posted at 18:21h in Faith
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What follows are some thoughts on moving from one place to another. We are living in Anglesey at the moment (for a three month sabbatical) but these words are not about a literal move, but a metaphorical one. The past few years I have been on the border, crossing from one way of life to another. My blog is subtitled 'Learning How To Live' because this is what I have been doing: learning how to live in a new way, in a new space. I have been transitioning from one way of thinking about myself, my life, my faith and the world in which I live, to...

30 May

Posted at 19:52h in Faith
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I recently wrote a post about freedom. This post was a starting point for re-articulating my faith. If you haven't read it you might want to check it out before reading this. The ideas contained in these posts are fresh, and like wet paint have the potential to make a mess. I am stumbling towards truth, inarticulately. I am starting to write about some new truths. Some things my younger self would probably call heresy. There is nothing safe or tidy about this. --- I am good. I spent many years believing the core of me was bad. This idea sounded plausible and reasonable because, like every other sane person on the planet,...

03 May

Posted at 19:45h in Mental health
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I had my first panic attack at 22. Except I didn't know that was what it was called, or that it was symptomatic of the fact I was suffering with a mental illness. Mental health was not on my radar. At all. I didn't think of my brain as being healthy or unhealthy. I didn't think about it having moving or corruptible parts. It just was. It existed and enabled me to get on with life. When I did allow myself to think about these panic attacks (mostly I liked to pretend I had imagined the whole thing) I believed these aberrations were caused by...

13 Apr

Posted at 19:55h in Mental health
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Two weeks ago I opened my notebook and wrote this to you: --- "I'll level with you. I'm feeling anxious. Right now as I write this. I was fine and then all of a sudden I was aware of the tell-tale signs: the increase in temperature, the noise of my heart beating, my stomach bubbling. My anxiety manifests itself as illness. Or maybe I should say, it provokes the same symptoms as illness. I feel 'not quite right', 'not myself'. I feel I am slowly moving away from my body, like a camera panning out. I am dangerously aware of the ticks and whirrs of...