08 Jun Back here again

I’m not sure how, but I’m back here again.

Tasting the bitter adrenaline in my mouth. Feeling my heart rate as it soars.

Aware of the pinpricks of sweat on my skin, of the fog descending.

My brain is like scrambled eggs.

And I’m scared.

Unable to make a decision I wander around the house moving from one room to another, tidying the odd thing away, wiping the surfaces.

I make a plan to go out, to go swimming. But by the time I have packed my bag and am sat in the car I change my mind, suddenly determined that I should be using my time better, that there is a more enjoyable, more satisfying, more productive way to fill my day. That another choice will give me the peace I crave.

I need.

Eventually, later, I leave the house, driving to collect the children from school, I pass cyclists smiling and joking and wonder, how it is possible that they are exist in this world without losing the plot? How are they not being sucked into a downward spiral of anxiety? How is it that they are able to maintain hold of the calm that’s in the air?

And why can’t I?

Why for me does every second thought act like a trigger to some catastrophe or other?

Why can’t I get any clarity?

Why do I mistake hunger for sickness, my tiredness for sickness?

Where has my peace gone?

Why am I back here again?

And, of course, there are reasons, a myriad of them.

If I was thinking rationally

-oh, if only-

I would recollect the increasing responsibilities of the last term and the lack of space I created to deal with them. I would remember how for many months I have been taking most of the practical and emotional responsibility for the kids, giving Matt the time and space he has needed to process the events of the past few years. I would see that I haven’t stopped to breathe, or meditate, or relax and have pushed on and pushed on as though the world would end if I didn’t.

I would wonder how I have become so forgetful.

Well, I know how.

I became forgetful because I have been well.

I have been enjoying the freedom to think and work and have fun. I have got carried away with joys and with enjoying the feeling of pushing myself again. I have relaxed all my checks and balances and ignored the warning signs.

And I have done it all with a song and a whoop and a skip in my step.

And here I am, back here again.

But now I know I can put this right. I can take the time I need.

I can step back and, in moments of peace, make the changes I need to make, to regain my sense of inner calm.

I can hope.

I can wait and expectantly watch for the dawn as I sit through the darkest of moments. Because I know it will pass.

Because,

we get better.

If we are wise, and have good friends, and stop continually pushing ourselves.

If we allow for our weaknesses and our repeated lack of self-awareness.

If we don’t expect perfection and recognise that it is our failings that make us beautifully human.

If we ask for help,

and ask again when that help isn’t enough.

We get better.

postscript.

This blog is not how I am feeling this very minute, or even in the past few days. But I have been back battling with anxiety over the past month. Everyday I am getting better.

Also,

I have started using the headspace app on my phone to help me have 10 minutes of calm, and relaxation in the day. I am reminding my brain of the peace it can know. Find the app and more information at https://www.headspace.com

If you want to read more about anxiety and the battle for peace, these previous blogs might be interesting: I forgot I wasn’t superwoman, and Oh, the thinks you can think.