02 Jul this is for me

Feel free to read along, but this is for me.

Exhaustion fuelled anxiety is trying to edge its way back in after a month of birthdays, and charity fun-runs, and matt being away a lot, and painful secondary school open evenings, and my youngest waking most days between 5 and 6 am.

Unsurprisingly I have found my heart racing and my stomach churning again.

Not recognising the ‘overload’ button soon enough is dangerous.

But i am catching myself now, just in time.

I am not allowing the guilt and failure filled lies; ‘why can’t i cope?…everyone else seems to…, i’m letting everyone down’ to fill my mind. I’m reminding myself that they are not truths, but nonsense.

I am remembering the good things. Not to be used as a tool to bash myself over the head with ‘I have so much how dare i be anything other than ecstatically happy all the time grateful’. But as a reminder that despite the fact that I have to deal with anxiety there are a lot of good things in my life.

I’m choosing to focus on them, not as a punishment, or a strategy, but because they bring me joy. Joy and pain are not mutually exclusive. The reality of pain and suffering in life can make me more acutely aware of the joy too. If i choose to be.

So, here’s my list for today.

1. This wonderful girl is 8 today, and she is healthy and happy.

2. We had pancakes for breakfast.

3. No matter how hard and complicated looking for secondary schools feels – we have access to free education and an, albeit limited, choice about where our children get to learn.

4. It is sunny – again!

5. On Friday i have no plans (this is very good).

6. There is clean water in the tap, and when i choose – hot water.

7. My sweet peas in the garden are going to flower soon.

8. I had ice-cream with a friend yesterday.

9. Modern Family on Netflix.

10. A dishwasher that works.

11. Drying clothes on the line.

12. Friends for tea tonight.

13. A walk by the river.

14. Matt not going away this weekend.

15. A car to drive places.

16. My tomato plants are still alive.

17. The smell of lavender.

18. Encouraging words from friends.

19. Good health-related news for my friend’s daughter.

20. Balloons and party games in the garden.