20 Sep

Posted at 11:34h in Mental health
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"Depression for me, wasn't a dulling, but a sharpening, an intensifying, as though I had been living my life in a shell and now the shell wasn't there. It was total exposure… What I didn't realise at the time, what would have seemed incomprehensible to me, was that this state of mind would end up having positive effects as well as negative effects"* When I was first diagnosed with post-natal depression towards the end of 2009 I had no idea of what was to come. But a door had been pushed ajar. A portal to another place, or perhaps, a portal...

16 Sep

Posted at 13:24h in Mental health
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You know the saying 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade'? Well sometimes when I see that written or hear it said, it makes me really mad. Because sometimes the lemons are being thrown at my head, or it's cold and I really want a hot drink. Sometimes the sour taste is hard and unwelcome and I don't have the energy or wherewithal to go and be a domestic goddess. We are experts in minimising pain. We love to push past it, to move on quickly. We think if we linger and look for too long, then we're being self-indulgent, we're picking...

10 Sep

Posted at 16:38h in Family, Living well, Mental health
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I wrote this week about comparison. I realised the idea of competition got a bit of a bad rap in this post. I felt the need to redress the balance. Not everything about competition is bad. Competition can provoke work that improves standards. It can be the impulse leading to scientific breakthroughs, or to sporting achievements. As iron sharpens iron, so those working in a similar field can spur each other on, to better their ideas, their communication, their achievements. And this can be good for everyone. The London 2012 Olympic Games showed us how a display of sporting brilliance can influence a...

09 Sep

Posted at 10:34h in Mental health
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Today I am feeling a little anxious, a little stomach swirly. I need to talk some truth to myself. So I am going to start with this, something I wrote a long time ago at the end of a very anxious day: Just because the day starts one way it doesn't mean it will end the same way. Lots of days are redeemable. Truth. Then, I am going to book the train tickets to visit my friend in London next month, even though right now that feels like something that will be 'too much', something I will not want to do. I will...

08 Sep

Posted at 13:27h in Mental health
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This morning it is raining. I'm on Day 3 of my new regime: taking this writing thing seriously. That it to say: writing as my day job. Suddenly I feel a bit unqualified. I am wearing my old holey jeans (not holey in a cool way, more in a - I can't leave the house due to indecency - way), I have no make up on, my hair has been cleaned with dry shampoo and I have a peg holding it off my face. Yesterday I finished the novel I was reading (a weird one - about a woman who fell in love with a duck)...

06 Sep

Posted at 18:13h in Family, Mental health
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This morning I dropped my three children off at school for the first day of the Autumn term. I returned to a blissfully quiet house and put the kettle on. I exhaled and thought, Congratulations, you survived the summer. This summer has been good. I have stayed in bed late and when I have finally come downstairs I have chosen to ignore the cartoons that are still on and the dried cereal adding a crunch topping to the lounge floor. I have been more relaxed about what and when we are going to eat occasionally making an effort and cooking from scratch, and...

31 Aug

Posted at 18:12h in Faith, Family, Mental health
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I'm all about the grace. Grace is one of my favourite words. At my darkest of times, when it felt like the world was closing in on me I have known the sweet relief of grace. Grace in the actions of my friends, calling at the right moment, anticipating my needs. Grace revealed in a beautiful sunset, refreshing rain, or the flowers in my garden. Grace for my soul, in the quiet knowledge I am accepted and loved regardless of my mood or actions, knowing I belong. Mercy, grace, favour when I really don't deserve it. Amen and hallelujah. But. But. If Grace is poured...

22 Aug

Posted at 20:36h in Mental health
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I opened my computer the other day to check something and somehow found myself on Facebook (how does that happen?). I followed a link someone had posted to the page of a blogger I have long admired but rarely read (not sure why): Glennon Doyle Melton (of Momastery). I scrolled down, glancing at the small amount of text she had prefixed her latest blog posts with, until one stopped me in my tracks. This is what I read; 'Yes, I’ve got these conditions—anxiety, depression, addiction—and they almost killed me. But they are also my superpowers. I’m the canary in the mine and you need...

05 Aug

Posted at 19:58h in Family, Mental health
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In my battle against the anxiety I have amassed an arsenal of weapons. I moderate my alcohol and caffeine consumption, try to eat and sleep well, practise mindfulness, exercise regularly, use 7/11 breathing techniques and try to schedule in time to rest. But recently I noticed a new habit that is also having a big impact on the pull of anxious thoughts. I am fairly well at the moment. The past six months have been some of the most stable and relaxed I have known in a while. I have managed to do many things that, even a year ago, would have seemed...

14 Jul

Posted at 12:28h in Family, Mental health
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I went to see my Nan yesterday. Nan is 95 and has lung cancer. She is pleased to know she will soon be leaving this planet and has wanted the Lord to take her for a while. All my friends are dead, she tells us. Although obviously weakening she is still bright and fairly active. She gets tired more and her eyesight is failing her, but apart from that you still wouldn't know she was ill unless she told you. I like to talk to her about her life, and have recorded a number of interviews with her over the last few...