31 Mar

Posted at 14:57h in Mental health
11 Likes

Anxiety is a beast and it has no manners. It never waited for me to get dressed or have my breakfast before it pounced. It sat on the end of my bed waiting for me to open my eyes, dictating to me how the day would start. As I lay in bed, adrenalin surged and I was instantly catapulted from peaceful sleep straight to panic-central. I awoke, heart-racing in terror. Before I had even begun, the day had slid out of control. This was my reality for a number of years. This fight defined most mornings. I was slowly changing my life from the inside out. I was putting in...

22 Mar

Posted at 11:30h in Mental health
0 Likes

The storm that hit Liverpool a few weeks ago has left its mark. The tree that fell across our road has been removed, but as I walk around my front garden today I see the lawn strewn with debris. In the flower beds small plants have been crushed or entangled in the mess. In life when a storm hits our first priority is dealing with the crisis: the child in the sick bed, the diagnosis, or depression or divorce. Our attention is on the centre of the storm, the pivot in the middle on which the whole thing turns. As the weather settles and we...

08 Mar

Posted at 14:57h in Mental health
0 Likes

Two weeks ago storm Doris battered the UK. Liverpool was hit hard. On our street, opposite our house, a two hundred year old beech tree came down falling across the road, pulling with it our neighbour's fence and landing in our driveway. The road was made impassable. It was a miracle no one was hurt and nothing seriously damaged. It would seem we were not the only ones who had experienced a tree blocking the road, stopping the traffic. In Liverpool over one hundred and fifty trees were felled and even now, over a week later, driving around you can see the carnage...

24 Feb

Posted at 11:47h in Mental health
0 Likes

On either side of my driveway crocuses and snowdrops have started to appear. They have forced their way through the decomposing leaves. Bursts of colour against the damp brown matting. I take a rake and gently pull it across the flowerbed, easing my way through the flowers carefully, trying not to knock off the delicate blooms. The flowers I expose are top heavy, their stems are white, translucent, anaemic. Many of them flop forward, unable to support their own weight. I fear my zeal might have shortened their already brief life. I recognise myself here. I have been re-learning how to live in a...

07 Feb

Posted at 09:53h in Mental health
0 Likes

I wrote this a few weeks ago on a Saturday morning. It is pretty raw and I wasn't sure if I would share it. But I have decided to because honesty is more important that appearance. "Last night was bad and for the first time in a long time I remembered, no - I experienced - what it was like to not be able to rely on my brain to act as it should. Again. I had gone to bed calm and well, but woke two hours later sweating, my stomach tied in a painful knot. I lay awake in agony, my hand on...

24 Jan

Posted at 15:31h in Mental health
0 Likes

It is January in the north of England and my garden looks as you would expect; damp, leaf strewn, drained of colour: a mess. There is not much to be seen, but there is work to do. I plan to cut back some shrubs that have needed a hard prune since we moved in four years ago. They are overgrown and block light from the house. As I begin to work, my neighbour walks past on his way back from his allotment. He calls over, “Take it right to the floor, you will only get leaf this year, but the flowers will be back...

18 Jan

Posted at 11:52h in Living well, Mental health
0 Likes

I can't remember a time I did not know the lyrics to the theme tune of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Throughout the early '90s the song wormed its way into my ear, remaining in my head long after the show had finished. And, kudos to the song's composers, years later as my children grew up unaware of the origins of this piece of musical genius (heavy on the irony), we have on occasion found ourselves singing it to the kids, mock-rapping in the kitchen, initially thrilling and later totally embarrassing them. Last week my ten year old discovered nearly 150 episodes of Will...

10 Jan

Posted at 10:28h in Family, Mental health
0 Likes

Last week I took the kids to the park with a friend. Two adults, six children and a dog. Pretty ordinary. I arrived a little early. The kids raced ahead of me to the swings and I walked through the damp leaves following them up the path. Rewind thirteen months and I remember making this same journey. It was just before Christmas and we were desperate to find something to do on a grey day, some way to get the kids out of the house, even if just for an hour. We were tired at the end of the long term and...

04 Jan

Posted at 17:48h in Family, Mental health
0 Likes

In so many ways 2016 was a good year for me. Which flies in the face of every single round up of the year I watched on television over Christmas. I would probably go as far as to say it was my favourite year of my life so far. (I know!) I felt I really got into my groove and lived with greater vulnerability and confidence, which for me is a winning combination. I started last year by making the decision to begin to take anti-depressants again. I have written about this extensively here. It was a tricky multi-faceted decision not prompted by any one...